Hell's where he's going. If you haven't guessed yet.

This is for anyone who feels the need to please people, or ever felt like they dissappointed anyone in their life. Because that's me. I always feel the need to please everyone and make them happy even to an extent. I don't know why, but I've always put people's happiness before mine. I'm not happy and I think I know why. I'm too paranoid. Anxiety hits me hard. I worry too much for my own good. I'm insecure. I've never felt that I was good enough for anyone. Even my own family.

My little sister always copies me. She wants to do what I do, but I don't want her too. Yeah, I'm smart and get good grades, but that's just a cover up for everything I'm fucked up with or in. I need an outlet. Something or somewhere I blow off steam.

I sacrifice a lot everyday. I pull the attention off of me and let it fall on my other little siblings cause they need it more than I do. I just know it. I do their laundry, their dishes, clean the house and lessen my mom's chores so she doesn't get home from work exhaughsted and have to worry about doing the dishes. I'm up till 2 am washing my dad's work clothes or my little sisters clothes because they need them for tomorrow. I'm always worrying about what  I'm going to do tomorrow, what I did yesterday, what's to come in my life. Will I go to college and become a tattoo artist? Will I ever get married or ever have a love in my life? Will I have kids? Will I live to see my childrens children? Those are unanswerable questions no one knows. I hate not knowing what will become of me or of the next day.

I've always had something to do, but now I'm like a zombie. It's always the same routine.

My mom blames me for things I didn't even do. She and my dad take their anger out on me because I'm the oldest and I'll take it without question. I don't fight back or use attitude. It's not like they hit me or anything if that's what you're thinking. But it's the little things they say. Once my dad told me to go to hell. My mom uses the last of her money on our dinner and she says, "See? Again, I spend all my money on you guys." Like she doesn't even care. I've only heard I love you 3 times in my life that were appointed to me.

It's like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and I'm shaking and crumbling under the pressure. I've got school, friends, chores and everything else to worry about in life I don't need anymore. I never let go of the past. I've been through some stuff no other child should. I've seen my uncle beat his older son on my front lawn. I've seen my dad taken out of our house in cuffs way too many times to count. I've seen and heard slurs coming from my uncles big mouth. My cousins get into deep shit. Prositution, fights, my family in the back of a police cruiser. Nothing any child shouldn't see. And I still can't let it go. I've never really said no to anyone. I just let them walk all over me, and I don't know why.

People pick on me cause of my size or clothes. The way I act or the way I look. I've been ridiculed and it surprises me that I don't fight back. Yeah, I get pissed off, but never said a word to anyone. And when I do, it falls upon deaf ears. This shouldn't be the world. This shouldn't be life. But it is.

Life has many lessons to teach. It's hard and tough, but no one said it was going to be easy. I know many have it worse than I do, but I'm just venting. Don't mind my problems. Work on yourself. Because once you start building that weight on your shoulders it's hard to get off. It'll bury you. Drive you insane at times. You can't sleep at night, you can't dream. You can't even breathe. It's like your slowly being squished to nothing.