Andreaxgumpy's Journals

Fuck Up

This is for anyone who feels the need to please people, or ever felt like they dissappointed anyone in their life. Because that's me. I always feel the need to please everyone and make them happy even to an extent. I don't know why, but I've always put people's happiness before mine. I'm not happy and I think I know why. I'm too paranoid. Anxiety hits me hard. I worry too much for my own good. I'm insecure. I've never felt that I was good enough for anyone. Even my own family.

My little sister always copies me. She wants to do what I do, but I don't want her too. Yeah, I'm smart and get good grades, but that's just a cover up for everything I'm fucked up with or in. I need an outlet. Something or somewhere I blow off steam.

I sacrifice a lot everyday. I pull the attention off of me and let it fall on my other little siblings cause they need it more than I do. I just know it. I do their laundry, their dishes, clean the house and lessen my mom's chores so she doesn't get home from work exhaughsted and have to worry about doing the dishes. I'm up till 2 am washing my dad's work clothes or my little sisters clothes because they need them for tomorrow. I'm always worrying about what I'm going to do tomorrow, what I did yesterday, what's to come in my life. Will I go to college and become a tattoo artist? Will I ever get married or ever have a love in my life? Will I have kids? Will I live to see my childrens children? Those are unanswerable questions no one knows. I hate not knowing what will become of me or of the next day.

I've always had something to do, but now I'm like a zombie. It's always the same routine.

My mom blames me for things I didn't even do. She and my dad take their anger out on me because I'm the oldest and I'll take it without question. I don't fight back or use attitude. It's not like they hit me or anything if that's what you're thinking. But it's the little things they say. Once my dad told me to go to hell. My mom uses the last of her money on our dinner and she says, "See? Again, I spend all my money on you guys." Like she doesn't even care. I've only heard I love you 3 times in my life that were appointed to me.

It's like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and I'm shaking and crumbling under the pressure. I've got school, friends, chores and everything else to worry about in life I don't need anymore. I never let go of the past. I've been through some stuff no other child should. I've seen my uncle beat his older son on my front lawn. I've seen my dad taken out of our house in cuffs way too many times to count. I've seen and heard slurs coming from my uncles big mouth. My cousins get into deep shit. Prositution, fights, my family in the back of a police cruiser. Nothing any child shouldn't see. And I still can't let it go. I've never really said no to anyone. I just let them walk all over me, and I don't know why.

People pick on me cause of my size or clothes. The way I act or the way I look. I've been ridiculed and it surprises me that I don't fight back. Yeah, I get pissed off, but never said a word to anyone. And when I do, it falls upon deaf ears. This shouldn't be the world. This shouldn't be life. But it is.

Life has many lessons to teach. It's hard and tough, but no one said it was going to be easy. I know many have it worse than I do, but I'm just venting. Don't mind my problems. Work on yourself. Because once you start building that weight on your shoulders it's hard to get off. It'll bury you. Drive you insane at times. You can't sleep at night, you can't dream. You can't even breathe. It's like your slowly being squished to nothing.

Curiosity

I have many questions swirling in my head that are unanswered. Some are abnormal questions I have that people just think I'm insane to ask, or just a freak pondering on such a question. But I just wanted to see if you knew the answer.

1. Can a dog/cat be gay?

2. Can a female be circumsized?

3. When guys get 'excited' can their scrotum tighten? (I read that one in a book)

4. Is it possible

5. Can vampires be scientifically proven to exist?

6. Why is Kim Kardashian such a ho?

7. Why does Dezzi (my sis) always call me a ho?

8. Why do people make sex tapes and post them on the internet for everyone to see? It's just revolting!

9. Why do people drink their pee? It's toxic!

10. Why do people think George Clooney is hot? I certanly don't!

11. Why do people have kids?

12. Why do scientists have to be such assholes about fact and fiction when it's only a prediction of theirs they conjured up in their sleep?

13. Why do we dream?

PET PEEVES OF MINE!

Just some things I hate....

FAKES

THE WORDS: TITS AND MASTURBATION (I THINK I SPELLED THAT RIGHT)

BRING ME THE HORIZON

DRAMA (I GET LOTS OF IT)

LIARS

PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY'RE COOL, BUT JUST END UP ACTING STUPID

INSULTING RACIST COMMENTS

PEOPLE WHO HATE HOMOSEXUALS

PEOPLE WHO CALL PEOPLE 'EMO'

THE WORD 'EMO' IN GENERAL

PEOPLE WHI BITE THEIR NAILS IN FRONT OF ME

GUYS WHO DON'T WASH THEIR HANDS AFTER PEEING (WHICH HAPPENS TO BE 25% OF Y'ALL)

GIRLS WHO CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT THEIR HAIR

WHEN YOU BURN YOURSELF ON THE FLAT IRON

BAGGY PANTS

GRANNY PANTIES

PEOPLE WHO TAKE TOO MANY PIX OF THEMSELVES (MY LIL SIS)

RAP (MOST WITH THE EXCEPTION OF SOME)

THONGS

FAKE BOOBS

WHEN FAT PEOPLE CRY

PEOPLE WITH NO MANNERS

PURSES

RUFFLES

STAINS ON WHITE TEES

MY BLACK CLOTHES FADING

PEOPLE WHO WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE UP

ON AND OFF RELATIONSHIPS

THE GUY THAT SELLS THE 'OXICLEAN' AND DOESN'T SHUT THE FUCK UP!

HATERS (THEY ARE ALWAYS JUST JEALOUS)

CHERRY AND LIME JELLO

PEOPLE THAT SMELL BAD

MY MIDDLE SCHOOL TEACHERS

PEOPLE WHO USE TOO MUCH GEL AND HAIRSPRAY

PEOPLE WHO DON'T SHOWER

GIRLS WHO STUFF

UGLY SHOES

FLO RIDA

HEY MONDAY

KEITH URBAN

MILLIONAIRES

TAYLOR SWIFT

FAKE EYELASHES

FAKE PEIRCINGS

TWILIGHT (PEOPLE WHO ARE OBSESSED ARE OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MINDS)

THERAPISTS/PSYCHOLOGISTS/COUNSELOURS

50 CENT

AND THERE IS MORE BUT I HAVE NO TIME TO LIST THEM ALL

School Problems!

Who on this website hates school? My guess is...EVERYONE! Today was one of the most stressful days in the entire school year I have had yet! First, Since I'm the head chairman of my commitee in the Leadership I had to run all over the school setting up for the sign ups for the talent show my team and I have been working on. Second, 1 group is incharge of 1st lunch sign ups. I explained to them everything they needed to know for this event and they still did it WRONG! I went in to my teachers room and had asked how things went and she told me that she didn't see anyone come in for the sign up sheets they were suppose to have the students sign up on! She also said that two people on that team didn't do anything! So, we are going to have a meeting tomorrow about everything. we have already gone over this shit ten times and the jackasses aren't getting it! And third, I have to film a newscast for my lanuage art's class and I'm suppose to film everything and edit the video. We got some of it done, but how can I concentrate when everything on my comitee is getting fucked. We have till Friday to film the fucking video and all we have is one of the parts done. I'm going to have to skip lunch to get this video done! And we have till May 29th to get this talent show up and running complete with sign ups, auditions, music and two art slideshows done and previewed! I take on a ot in every subject and class I have. I just got done with a major project I had to get done by Monday and I have a million other things to do. At least school is almost over. Just three more weeks of fucking hell and I will be free to party all summer! One upside, 99 to go.